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Alex Trebek: As I have refused to appear in this travesty of a game show, I'm afraid that you will soon be subjected to the hosting of Mulié.
[Mulié enters]
Mulié: Hey! I'm Mulié and I'll be your host for this evening. As you know, this is Celebrity Jeopardy, where the contestants are famous people who donate their winnings to charity-
Riff: What, now?
Mulié: However, tonight, there are a few different rules than normal. Each contestant will receive a handicap that will lessen their playing ability. Our first contestant is George W. Bush, the current leader of our nation! We thought a long time about his handicap, but couldn't think of anything. However, in the interest of national security, we haven't actually told him where we are or what he's doing.
W. [Blindfolded, confused]: Can somebody help me? Laura? Dick? John?
Mulié: Our second guest, seated to the left of Mr. Bush, is William Gates, head of Microsoft. The rules were explained to him by an irate Windows user, so he should have no clue what's going on.
Bill Gates: When do I get to kick Bush?
Moving on...our final guest is 'Riffington,' a free-lance bum who tinkers with electronics. We didn't have to create a handicap; he came early and has been fiddling with his buzzer system ever since.
[Explosion]
Riff: I don't suppose you know how to cut off the power supply to this, do you?
Mulié: No.
Riff: In that case, I'm switching with Gates. Hey, Bill, it's time to switch podiums!
Bill Gates [Examining a rule book]: Don't you have to hit me in the head first?
Riff: Yeah. Right. [Slap]. Have fun, Gates.
Mulié: Okay...here's the categories. 'Life and Leisure,' 'Dumb-bells,' 'Famous Firsts,' 'Famous Last Words,' 'Demonology 101,' and 'Government for Dummies.' President Bush, you go first. Mr. Bush?
W.: I'm president, but then again, I like the 'Lifestyle' section in the newspaper...can I have a lifeline?
Mulié: 'Dumb-bells' for $200. 'This abbreviation, coined by Scott Adams, has become a synonym for a manager who is clueless, useless, or generally malicious.'
[Pause]
Mulié: Guys, you have to answer the questions.
[Buzzer]
Riff: Leader!
Mulié: Um...no.
[Buzzer]
W.: Please...Help...Bush...
Mulié: I think we're going to count that...$200. Your pick, Mr. President.
W.: Could you please tell me what's going on?
Riff: Demonology 101!
Mulié: 'While not technically a demon, this feared being cannot enter a home unless invited.'
[Buzzer]
W.: I want a lawyer!
Mulié: The answer is 'vampire,' but that's close enough. Your pick, Mr. President.
W. [Confused]: Please just help me!
Mulié: 'Government for Dummies.' 'This document, forged in 1776, forms the basis of our nation's laws.'
[Buzzer]
Bill Gates: I'd like to buy a vowel...or go to the Octogon of Death--whichever gets me more points.
[Buzzer]
Riff: The Scientific Method!
Mulié: Oh God...
[Buzzer]
W.: Look, if you take the blindfold off, I'll give you my copy of the Declaration of Independence.
Mulié: Okay. So far, it's George W. Bush-$600; everybody else-$0. Come on, guys, you need to catch up.
W.: Look, I just want to get out of here!
Mulié: Let's just skip straight to Final Jeopardy! The category is...'Actors.'
[Commercial Break]
Mulié: Okay...'This actor later became president of the United States.'
Riff: Martin Sheen!
Bill Gates: Wait a minute...this is the part where I do a strip-tease for you!
Riff: GOD! Please No!
Mulié: Mr. Bush?
W.: I feel like Ronald Reagan.
Mulié: I give up. You've won the game, Mr. Bush. The $1200 you won will be donated to the...George Bush Re-Election Fund? Stay tuned next time when we spoof Celebrity Boxing and pit Emeril Legasse against Martha Stewart!
W.: Mom? Dad? God? Anybody? Help?