Fictional Life for Dummies

In the spirit of Peter's Evil Overlord List, and numerous other similar lists, I am in the process of creating a handy guide to surviving in worlds of fiction, where the normal laws of physics/continuity/reality don't necessarily apply. Each piece of information is geared towards one of several types of characters, who are listed below.

h-hero
s-sidekick/secondary character
t-true love/love interest
m-evil minion
v-villain
i-innocent bystander
a-antagonist/rival

  1. (h) If an ancient evil was locked away or killed slightly less than 1000/10000/100000/etc. years ago, and the anniversary of its defeat is coming soon, I will under no circumstances sponsor a celebration on that location. Instead, I will contact all heroes I can get ahold of to be prepared to destroy it when it arises again from the grave (of course it's going to arise from the grave!).
  2. (v) If I am a villain and was defeated, I will not even consider returning to the world of the living when I'm expected to. If possible, I will return early. This way, I will catch my potential enemies off-guard. If I cannot return early, I will return after they've decided I'm not really going to return.
  3. (s,a) If I am obsessing over a person with whom I would like to have a relationship, and this person constantly tries to avoid me, becomes unusually tense in my presence, goes on dates with other people, and/or concocts plans to get away from me, I will get a hint and try to pursue someone who would want to be romantically involved with me.
  4. (v,m) If I am a villain, and have the ability to destroy the universe (or some similarally destructive skill), I will attempt to learn lesser skills as well for self-defense. There's nothing more embarassing than losing hand-to-hand combat because it's impractical to cause massive damage to the space-time continuum to defeat one person.
  5. (s,t,a,i) If I am a secondary heroic character (especially a love interest), I will not only know some sort of martial art, I will also know how to defend myself against an attacker who grabs me from behind. At the very least, I will remember that male attackers have several weak spots that I can likely reach from a captive position.
  6. (v,m,a) I will always wear protection; while it can be embarassing to purchase it, it will be worth it when a hero kicks my crotch and I don't crumple into a fetal position and sing soprano.
  7. (a,h,t,s,m,v) I will always remember that if my society can travel between the stars, things like bulletproof armor should be easy to obtain.
  8. (v) If my Legions of Terror are given restrictive armor that is recognizable throughout the universe, the armor should have some positive aspects (i.e. protecting wearer from direct shots from laser rifles, bullets, flying rocks, or the most elementary of offensive spells).
  9. (v,m) If magic is prevalent in my society, I will look into equipping my Legions of Terror/sidekicks with basic defensive spells.
  10. (s,i) If someone who I either respect for his/her wisdom or ridicule for his/her insanity tells me my child is "gifted," "chosen," "special," or anything resembling those ideas, I will put the kid up for adoption and move to Greece. I am not going to be the one slaughtered when the evil overlord comes to stop the child prophesied to cause his/her downfall. I may miss the kid, but I can always get another.
  11. (s,t,i) If my family passes down important secrets about evil, magic, or ultimate artifacts, and I am the latest holder of the information, I will aknowledge the fact that I am screwed and seek a manner through which the information can be passed on after my death and/or capture.
  12. (s,a,i,t) If I have been captured by the villain and s/he has promised to spare my life in exchange for vital information about the hero, I will just tell him/her the truth. It won't save my life, but I will die relatively painlessly, and given the hero's history, s/he will win even if the villain knows how to defeat him/her.
  13. (h,s,m,a) I will learn to read basic body language, so I can both know when someone has a crush on me and when s/he are preparing to lay the smackdown on me for annoying him/her.
  14. (h,s,t) I will keep in mind that if I am a hero, the odds are in my favor, even if I only have a 1,000,000 to 1 chance of success.
  15. (v,m) I will keep in mind that if I am a villain, even stacking the odds will not give me even a reasonable chance of success.
  16. (h) If I am a hero with a secret identity, I will remember that there is almost no way that anybody can see through my disguise, no matter how flimsy it is.
  17. (v,m,s) Conversely, if I am a secondary character or a villain, there is no chance of a disguise, no matter how sophisticated or well-crafted, successfully hiding my identity.
  18. (h,i) I will never travel with a person who needs the basic laws of my universe explained to them on a regular basis. Especially if her/his lacuna relates to the field in which s/he wishes to excel.
  19. (h,s,a,i) There is always a more powerful enemy. Consequently, I will never let down my guard until I have successfully trained and tested a successor.
  20. (h,s,t,a,v,m,i) If a mini-lop with a switchblade tells me to do something, it doesn't matter if I'm in the middle of a battle whose outcome will decide the fate of the universe. I listen to the bunny.
  21. (v,m) Unless absolutely necessary to my evil plots, I will never piss off a god/immortal/supreme-type being. When angered, gods tend to cause unpleasant conditions (i.e. death).
  22. (h,s,a) Under no circumstances will I annoy one of my female traveling companions. While it will not cause my death, it will be exceedingly uncomfortable.
  23. (h,s,t,a,v,m,i) I will not wear the same outfit every day. It doesn't matter if I'm good or evil, it just doesn't go to be identified based on your infamous vestments.
  24. (h,s,t,a,i) I will not ever assume a villain is no longer a threat based on the fact that s/he has been killed.
  25. (v,m) I will always assume that a hero is a threat unless:
    1. I myself saw his/her corpse
    2. There is absolutely no magic/technology/artifact/ancient omnipotent being that has the power to bring her/him back to life
    3. Time travel is impossible
    4. Hell freezes over.
  26. (v,m) I will note which members of the hero's party become useless in the presence of attractive members of their preferred gender, and plan accordingly for our next battle.
  27. (i,s,a) If my town/city is known for mysterious battles between the forces of good and the forces of evil, and I don't want to join either side, I will move to a sufficiently remote location before I am enlisted for either side/killed in a random battle.
  28. (h,s,t,a) I will keep in mind that I will not reach the doomsday device until less than a minute is left on the countdown, and not worry too much when I am then faced with the villain. No matter what, I will arrive at the 'reverse' switch in plenty (read: less than a second) of time.
  29. (v,m) Although all doomsday devices and self-destruct protocols will have electronic timers, I will not let these timers be the only way to finish the process. When the hero stops the countdown, I will use my remote control to set off the device anyway.
  30. (h,s,a) I will realize that there is no way that I can hope for a normal relationship with just one person. I will not attempt to resolve my love geometric shape, as it will only result in pain and suffering for me.
  31. (h,a,s,t) I will keep track of all family members, and make sure that the dead ones are dead from more than one point of view. This will lessen the surprise of learning that the villain is related to me.
  32. (v) All minions will be required to submit a full geneologic chart before joining the cause of evil. They must especially notify me of any long-lost siblings or parents. It's annoying to lose employees because they discovered their twin sibling is on the side of good.
  33. (v,m) Anyone not fully dedicated to the cause of evil will be assigned to the accounting department.
  34. (h,s,a) If I have to track down a powerful artifact whose pieces have been scattered to the corners of the earth, and the villain is looking for the same artifact, I'll just get one piece and wait for the bad guys to get the rest. If I can't use it without all the pieces assembled, the forces of evil can't, either, and I'd much rather make one trip to get all the pieces than go globe-hopping in a race against the forces of evil.
  35. (h,s,a,t) I will only date dynamic characters.
  36. (h,s,t,a,v,m,i) If I can fly or teleport myself significantly, I will keep this fact in mind during any sort of battle or chase scene and react accordingly.
  37. (v,m) If a god gives a gift or an artifact can only be used by someone who is "worthy," I will assume that "worthy" means "hideously consciencable," and not "hideously powerful." This will probably spare me a great deal of pain and/or death.
  38. (v,m,h,s) Unless I am absolutely out of resources and have no hope of survival anyway, I will not engage the enemy in hand-to-hand combat.
  39. (v) Any employee transferring prisoners without first notifying Central Command will be shot. This may result in the regrettable loss of good soldiers, but it will teach them to obey orders and it will definitely lessen the amount of heroic rescues.
  40. (v) All soldiers will be equipped with a running monitor of his/her vital statistics. No matter what the circumstances, a soldier losing consciousness will be labelled a Class A emergency.
  41. (v,m) All plans will be given nonsensical names as opposed to names that describe exactly what's going to happen (Project Get Drunk, for example, instead of Project World Domination)
This work is © 2002 by Andrew Brown. Any person who duplicates this work in whole or in part will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.